Lies

What does one do when you find out the person you thought you could trust the most has been lying to you the whole time? 

It makes me wonder if everything that has been said between us was a lie. 

You say that everything you've ever said about wanting me was real, but how will I ever know for sure? How do I know that it's not just another lie to string me along a little longer just in case it doesn't work out with the OTHER girl? Again?

All I see when I close my eyes now is you saying all the things you ever said to me to her. All I see is you with her, laughing at me because I trusted you so blindly.

Am I ever going to be THE girl for you? Am I ever going to be enough? Or am I just the safe choice, the fall back, for when something goes wrong?

The truth is, I've gone numb. After crying for 5 nights in a row, not for the first time by the way, I'm feeling defeated. 

I wonder if your life mission is to make me cry, if it's all just an experiment to see how many times you can break my heart, trample on my trust, and will still be around.

I'm an outright fool.

Because despite everything, I still love you. I can't imagine a life without you in it, you make me happier than anyone else ever has, you support me in everything I do, and you make me a better person, but now I wonder, is that enough? Does that make it worth all the pain and heartbreak?

How do I learn to trust you again? Through blind faith? Or are you going to do something to prove to me that I can trust you again?

How long have you been with her? How long have you been broken up with the one before? When did i reappear back in the picture? and Why? Why all the lies? Why let me pour my heart out, give you everything, then show me, the cowardly way, that, in fact, I'm not the one?

Worst of all? Is any of this even relevant? Because after 2 years, and 2 different other girls, both of which you gave the right to stake claim on you, I still have no rights. They both have had the title "girlfriend" handed to them. Me? I'm just that "idiot stalker" you can get rid of no matter what because you're scared it'll "hurt" me. 

Did you really think all these lies would hurt less than just outright telling me the truth from the begging? Why did you let me want you, believe in a future with you without reserve whatsoever? 

I feel so exposed, I feel like a hermit crab that got forcefully pulled out of it's shell before it could find a new home.

But, Worst of all? Why have I already forgiven you? Why do I still love you?

Why am I such a fool?